epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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