my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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