This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
