I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
