xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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