I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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