Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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