There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i believe in u and ur pee
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
