put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
