I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
