there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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