my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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