dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
