I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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