I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
