I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
