I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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