I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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