apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
