You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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