He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
