Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
