this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
