he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
