i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
