I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
