i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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