They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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