Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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