He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
