But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
