you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
