I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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