U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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