there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
