The maid of honor just puked.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize