You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
