He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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