know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
