Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
