My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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