I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He shit in the fireplace
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
