So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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