I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
