Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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