yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
