she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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