i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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