My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just want nice things and good sex
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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