I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
