oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize