She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize