If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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