thus making me awesome and them whores
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
