Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize