she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
