I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
