I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize