By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
