I think I died a long time ago.
You can't special order awesome
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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