Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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