I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
