At least make sure they are 18
Why
I didn't shave. On purpose
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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