I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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