imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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