That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
