Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
