hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
