WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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