Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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