Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
