did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
