The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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