My underwear smells like fireworks.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
