was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
