doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
